Friday, August 04, 2006

Where Did All These Pregnant Ladies Come From?

After a loss it seems like everyone is pregnant or they just had a baby. When I lost my daughter in November 2005, six friends were pregnant, one just had a baby and one was trying to get pregnant. Even my Mary Kay consultant was expecting! One after another, I watched them go on to have healthy babies although my pregnancy ended in a loss. It put a strain on our relationships because the pregnant person suddenly didn't know what to say and I could only take so many baby updates.

It is really awkward trying to act normal when I couldn’t help but feel something because they were happy and pregnant and I wasn't. I still go through that sometimes. I feel like I have to be chipper all the time, so they won't feel uncomfortable with my sadness. But I can't help but feel sad. My reaction to their pregnancy can't help but be bittersweet. In saying that, here are some tips for walking that fine line:

Find a support group and offload your deepest emotions with that group of friends. Why? Because they can relate and you don't necessarily want to burden your pregnant friend. Our hurt, pain and blow-by-blow re-telling of our loss are a burden for anyone, but it's so real for a pregnant person because the same thing could still happen to them. Yes they are your friend and yes, they want to be there for you BUT ... wow what an awkward position for you both to be in!

If your pregnant friend wants to share everything with you, but you feel sad when she does ... keep the conversation short. No need to be rude, but no need to suffer either. At another time, when you are feeling a bit stronger, tell your friend (gently and with love) that because you're still struggling with your loss, it's better if you be the one to initiate conversations about her pregnancy. Tell her you want to hear about her life, but right now this is really awkward for you. Then ask her how she's been feeling about your loss and your relationship.

Find a constructive way to release your emotions. If you want to avoid one of those epic blow up moments when you scream, "I JUST LOST MY BABY! WHAT DO YOU THINK IS WRONG WITH ME, STUPID?" before slamming down the phone ... please find a way to release your pain. Exercise, writing in a journal, talking to a supportive friend/counselor, or even starting your own blog are all good options. Revisit the first tip: join a support group! It really does help.

Because so many friends were pregnant and due around the same time as me ... I still experience a lot of pain that I don't share with them (instead I run, journal and hack at the plants in my garden). When I hear from them, we always talk about their babies, but I sometimes wonder if they've forgotten about me. Maybe they're scared to bring it up. Or, maybe I'm really good at pretending I'm okay. So here’s tip number four:

Don’t pretend you are okay, when you are a sniveling mess on the inside. People will believe you and leave you to your secret tears. We ALL need support in times of grief. Trust me on this one.

So, where did all these pregnant ladies come from? Who cares. One day somebody will be thinking the same thing about you. And maybe even me. So chin up, shoulders back ... a brighter future is just a season away.

1 comment:

νικος κανακας said...


I think these all pregnants are come in hospital.