Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Back on!

I can't believe I haven't posted since the beginning of November! I must admit that I have been pretty bummed out since that time. I've always been a huge voice (in my mind anyway!) for not letting grief rule, but folks, I must admit that there are some things the mind - the heart - cannot forget!

November 18, 2005 my little girl was born still. Since that horrific time I had gone on to publish a book, facilitate a support group, do guest speaking events, sit on panels, volunteer at the hospital - and more. Nope not an opportunity to brag, but just trying to say that I earnestly believed I was done hurting and had moved forward to accept what had happened especially since so many lives were changed in a positive way. (I also  had two infant losses in 2002 and 2003).

But wow. November 2010 brought with it a deep sadness that had me crying all the time, sad, unmotivated ... I hate to give it a name, but seriously, I was depressed! Later in the month I found out I was unexpectedly expecting. Yes. Unexpectedly expecting! Instead of the joy I would expect (especially after YEARS of baby craving) I was devastated. I was scared. I just couldn't fathom how I would endure the needles, the contractions, the cerclage, the months of uncertainty, the lifestyle change, the c-section ... all so soon. I wanted another baby, but think I was leaning more toward adoption, but here I was - pregnant. And guilty. I felt deep shame. I wondered how could I be so ungrateful?? This was a blessing and here I was crying into my pillow every chance I could get.

Today is a new day. The depression fog has lifted and I'm back on. I am really really really looking forward to sharing words of encouragement again! I missed you!