Secret Guilt

I have a friend whose marriage has been marked by trauma related to physical and emotional abuse, and mental anguish unthinkable. But when she found out she was carrying his child, her heart - her life- was filled with renewed purpose and hope. Because new life was growing inside, she felt she could hold on and find the strength to do what she needed to do regarding her future and the tumultuous relationship. When the unborn baby died, she cried in anguish and assured me, "I wanted my baby!"

I have another friend who was informed early in pregnancy that her baby had trisomy 18, a condition not compatible with life outside the womb. She and her husband chose to carry the baby regardless of what would happen after his birth. She said that pregnancy presented the only opportunity she would have to parent her child - she treasured every day they had together.

I remember when my son, Christopher, was in the intensive care for 10 days because he was born too soon. The doctors constantly bombarded us with a slew of bad news ranging from quadriplegia to blindness. The truth is I just did not care. I wanted my baby and would find strength to manage the difficulties that arose when he came home.

No matter the circumstances regarding one's life situation or the prognosis of a child - as parents, we never give up the hope of bringing our children home. We become superhuman and purpose to overcome every obstacle standing in the way of that happy reunion. But when things don't go according to our hopes and fervent prayers - when our babies die - we often harbor a secret guilt.

We reflect upon every single thing that could have derailed our most important mission. We search for the many ways this most horrid outcome was our fault. Some might reflect on a nicotine habit, a missed visit to the NICU, stress, a secret thought, a stray comment, faltering faith, a critical decision, a missed prenatal appointment or medication, trusting the misinformed doctor ... this list could go on and on. These random events do not cause the deaths of our children!

I think guilt and self-blame are our ways of claiming control over a situation that we are powerless to change. I've found that once I admit my total lack of control and give it back to the One who is always in control, I find peace. Don't get me wrong, I still hurt, but I no longer have the cloying monkey on my back who holds on by putting his webbed paws over my nose and mouth! And sometimes this "giving up control" and stopping the self-blame-game-of-shame is a constant struggle. I have to give up control several times a day. It's never been a one-time deal for me.

Here's a bit of advice from one who has been there-done that TOO many times: Put that guilt-laden monkey in his place and, like I told my friend ... you will breathe again ...

Baby Dies After Being Thrown from Car

This story just ripped a hole in me ... please pray for the young mother and father of this precious baby ... gone too soon.

Baby Dies After Being Thrown from Car

UPDATE:

05/05/09 -- (pic of baby)

05/08/09 -- Mother of Slain Baby ...

Hannah's Prayer of Thanks

These are a few of my thoughts about how Hannah could give her miracle child to the priest to raise up in the service of the Lord. Nothing in the scriptures reveals that she had any hope of having more children and even her husband was accepting of the decision. As I meditate on thoughts like this and also read Hannah's prayer of thanks given right before she hands Samuel over to the priest ... I think that today's Christians have somehow lost sight of something so important to our collective faith. I think Hannah, Elkanah and all the "barren" couples we discussed in this series had a better understanding of God, his significance, his holiness, his awesome wonder ... they understood this better than we do. These people - our examples in faith - were truly in awe of God.

Read Hannah's prayer and think about God - really think about Him and ask yourself "why not me? If this is only a tiny piece of who God is, first, I want to understand Him better, but second, is anything really impossible for a God like this?"

Hannah's Song of Thanksgiving
1 Samuel 2:1-10 KJV

Then Hannah prayed and said,
"My heart exults in the LORD;
My horn is exalted in the LORD,
My mouth speaks boldly against my enemies,
Because I rejoice in Your salvation.
"There is no one holy like the LORD,
Indeed, there is no one besides You,
Nor is there any rock like our God.
"Boast no more so very proudly,
Do not let arrogance come out of your mouth;
For the LORD is a God of knowledge,
And with Him actions are weighed.
"The bows of the mighty are shattered,
But the feeble gird on strength.
"Those who were full hire themselves out for bread,
But those who were hungry cease to hunger.
Even the barren gives birth to seven,
But she who has many children languishes.
The LORD kills and makes alive;
He brings down to Sheol and raises up.
The LORD makes poor and rich;
He brings low, He also exalts.
He raises the poor from the dust,
He lifts the needy from the ash heap
To make them sit with nobles,
And inherit a seat of honor;
For the pillars of the earth are the LORD'S,
And He set the world on them.
"He keeps the feet of His godly ones,
But the wicked ones are silenced in darkness;
For not by might shall a man prevail.
Those who contend with the LORD will be shattered;
Against them He will thunder in the heavens,
The LORD will judge the ends of the earth;
And He will give strength to His king,
And will exalt the horn of His anointed."