Thursday, August 03, 2006

Baby Blues ~ Baby Obsession

For a person whose pregnancy has ended in tragedy or for the family who lost a baby ... the Baby Blues isn't a word for depression. It is a baby obsession.

If this sounds like you ... then you have a bad case of the Baby Blues:

Your life has become a sequence of events. Eating, sleeping and hoping for a baby.

Your desire for a baby is stronger than your desire for air.

You live to have another baby.

Every intimate moment with your partner causes you to wonder if this will be the time ...

Being around other families sends a knot right to your throat (and it always seems to happen at the grocery store).

Your thoughts about having a baby have consumed you. Beware anyone who stands in your way of achieving that goal!

You fantasize about your own baby shower, but you aren’t pregnant.

You buy baby items, but you aren’t pregnant (but you will be, darn it!).

You dream about babies then wake up and cry, because it was only a dream.

You've toyed with the idea of kidnapping ...

You stare at pregnant women. You notice them everywhere.

It seems like every woman is pregnant - except you.

You haunt the adoption websites.

You have your ovulation cycle memorized.

At your follow up appointment, you could care less about your personal health ... you just wanna know the answer to this question: When is it okay to try again?

I've spoken to countless moms and they all say the same thing: Having another baby does not replace the angel that died. Another child will not stop the pain, shorten the grief process, or fix the void in your life. Moms have said that caring for other children does give an outlet for their love and it provides a distraction, but at the end of the day, when the kids are tucked safely in their beds ... the grief monster waits.

After my first loss, I obsessed about getting pregnant again. I charted my ovulation cycle, I made baby-making a serious business. Three months after Christopher died, I was pregnant again. Initially I felt joy. Then came anguish. I worried, fretted, fussed, cried and we had a whirlwind of bleeding, surgeries, weekly appointments, 10 weeks of bedrest, abnormalities discovered then cleared up ... the pregnancy ended in an emergency C-section at 25 weeks. Kasimir was vibrant, 2.5 pounds, breathing on his own and ready to feed when a capillary burst in his lung. He died the same day.

Please take this bit of advice ... it may spare your sanity later. Completely grieve your first loss before pursuing another pregnancy, adoption, surrogacy or whatever method you choose. Your next bout with parenthood will probably go just fine, but make sure you are emotionally stable enough to handle the what if factor. Getting a baby before you're done grieving may result in that other type of Baby Blues once you realize that this child isn't the one you were really after.

Tell me about your experience with the Blues. What has helped you through this stage? I'm convinced the only way through it is to spend time providing a constructive outlet for your grief. I wrote in a journal, exercised, focused on my spiritual well-being and redirected my love (to my husband, friends and even my dog). I did go to counseling and developed new interests. I also went back to work doing something I loved. Before I knew it, my obsession dimmed to a strong desire. That desire is still with me today.

1 comment:

123erica said...

OH Dear,
It was not my baby. It was my daughter's baby. I do not know who took it the hardest; her or me. I have had 2 stillborns, and holding her stillborns brought back the feelings of losing my own. I noticed every pregnant woman in my city. I noticed every stomach from a mile away. I noticed every tiny baby. I would stop in my tracks and stare. I am a little better. A little.