Sunday, November 27, 2011

"Merry" Christmas?

I used to cling so thoroughly to the words encouraging people to "cry with those who cry" ... I felt like I'd been run over with a garden tiller, so I wanted my team of mourners at my beck and call. Okay, probably not literally, but I certainly did not want to feel alone in my sadness.

Thankfully, my eyes have been opened to the second part of that scripture. We are also encouraged to "laugh with those who laugh" ... There are no double standards with God, huh?

I guess the question becomes, how is it fair for us to condemn those who are merry although we hurt, but we do not feel inspired to share others' happiness because we are in pain? Are there not two sides to every coin?

I think it requires a bit of selflessness to experience with others one side of the coin when you live on the other side. Since I'm full of thoughts right now, I'll share another. I also think we as hurting parents experience a sense of entitlement because of the enormity of our loss. Our loss is so huge that we expect to be excused from others' merry-making.  I'm not so sure that God excuses us though. We're still His ambassadors of Light and shine we must! I encourage you to, bit by bit, fight against the desire to hibernate during a joyous time of year.

After all, the JOY of the Lord is our strength (Neh. 8:10)!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

My Husband's Loving Response

Baby, I hear your needs and I will be that shoulder that you can cry on... I will manage that which you find impossible to do. Just for today. Never will you be left without a shoulder to cry on... You will never be left to struggle through those impossible days, situations or experiences for I will always be by your side... Things that we have experienced could have destroyed us but they have made us stronger and enriched our love and desire to enjoy life.

I have learned the enjoyment of life in it simplest forms, not worrying about those things beyond our controls, not searching for material goods that vanishes in the night. I have no desire to be consumed by the lure of earthly struggle to obtain material goods beyond what is necessary for our comfortable lives. Life is not about what one can obtain it’s about how well we have ministered to those whom we have come in contact with...

There is no great assignment in this life than the one we have to care for our three earthly Angels with the assurances of knowing that we will behold our Elyana, Christopher and My Kasimir. What a glorious reunion it will be... I have my confirmation for when I asked God to allow Christopher, my first born, to open his eyes before he passed away. My prayer was answered by him opening his eyes. I wanted that prayer answered as much as I was searching for a miracle because I needed to know that God was still God. That he had NOT FORGOTTEN. MY WORDS OF WISDOM BECAME GREAT IS THOU FAITHFULNESS… I wanted those eyes open so that once I got to heaven if I did not recognize Christopher he would recognize his mother and father. God answered that pray with Christopher opening his eyes and we were at peace and we were able to release him from our arms into his heavenly father arms for nurturing until mommy and daddy gets to heaven to check on him.

Baby walk with me as I walk with God… Henry

Friday, November 18, 2011

The Heart Never Forgets

Sigh. I sit here with heart heavy and head dropped low. Unwillingly, I think of my oldest daughter today. She's the one in Heaven. I have another little girl taking a nap upstairs, each soft breath is like a sweet note of reassurance ... but still thoughts of my living, breathing daughter only dull the sting of sadness I feel for my little Elyana. This heaviness doesn't rest on my shoulders often, but on and around each anniversary date the very cells running through each vein seem to groan their sorrow. If I could step outside of my body and look at myself, I wonder if I could detect the enormity of our loss just by observing the set of my head or in the distracted way in which I wander through the day. Probably not. This is why deep sadness can feel so lonely!

I wonder if this aloneness, the feelings of injustice are why many hurting parents feel the loss of a child is life's greatest tragedy? ... for even when I am not consciously reflecting on my stolen angels, the heart never forgets. I want to lay my head on a strong shoulder and snuggle under the blankets while someone else takes care of my responsibilities. Just for today.

But I won't.

I'll pick myself up and soldier on because even in my weakness, with heart laid low, God's strength carries me forward. He is truly The Lifter of My Head. And heart.