Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Cakes and Cookies Won't Fix It

I'm embarrassed to fess up to how many bags of Nestle Treasures (the caramel filled kind), peanut M&M's (they even have a 5 pound bag ...), 13X9 pans of brownies, break n bake cookies and even buttermilk biscuits slathered in honey butter I have eaten ~ by myself ~ while trudging the lonely grief path. I'm finishing up a batch of break n bakes right now and can tell you with 100% certainty that a cookie really won't make you feel better.

Sadly, I'm a grief expert. It's been four years since our first brush with infant loss and 8 months since our last. I've talked to countless women who are facing what you are facing now and lemme tell you, most moms usually feel like a failure after their baby has died. Her self-esteem really takes a beating. In her mind, she failed at one of life's most important jobs ~ protecting her baby. Why add junk-food pounds to an already lowered self-image?

Just keeping it real ... there is a difference between holding on to a little after-the-baby-weight when you have a baby to show for it. Everyone is very understanding about that. For me, when I had nothing to show for all those hips and curves, it's like I was fat for no reason. I felt this constant urge to explain or "apologize" for how I looked and the extra pounds, compounded by my "failure," made me feel absolutely worthless. Here's a more constructive way to relieve stress:

Hey ... I still indulge in my cookie-fix, but I balance it. Every morning I walk my dog and I also started running again. Exercise has been so therapeutic for me! Charging up hills 3 days a week has made my body stronger, built my confidence and has slimmed everything from the belly button down. For a customized running plan visit www.runnersworld.com then click on “Training.” I also have increased my veggies and fruits. My goal is to hit at least 5 a day. Visit www.5aday.gov/index.html for tips about how to squeeze 'em in. Finally, I pay close attention to my blood pressure and have recently gotten my cholesterol level checked.

Today, I reached for the break n bake cookies, but I really should have cried out to Jesus in my despair. After spending the last two days with other people's children, I felt so aware of my childless state. I felt the painful emptiness coursing through my body and I said to myself hmpf. I deserve a treat. Those cookies sure do taste good, but they can never fill the hole left in my heart and my life. Only Jesus can do that.

I'd love to hear about how you are handling your loss. Shoot me an e-mail or leave a comment.

P.S. Later today I really will tell you about Stolen Angels and maybe I’ll even tell you my real pants size …

1 comment:

Sharee said...

Okay ... some have been curious about the pants size ... I realize now that I never revealed what it was. Lemme quote myself. I said I MAY reveal my pants size. Maybe next month ... after a few more weeks on the 5 veggies a day meal plan ;)