Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Liar, Liar

I don’t want to get pregnant. That’s the lie I tell myself anyway.

Lemme tell you, I had myself fooled. I stated on many occasions that I didn't want to get pregnant ever again, blah-blah-blah. But that was before my period was missing in action! Of course, I rushed to the nearest online ovulation calculator and found that my hubby's leave from Iraq and my cycle were aligned perfectly. My pulse quickened. I began experiencing pregnancy symptoms. Other ladies' pregnancy announcements were met with glee because I was SURE I'd be sharing an announcement of my own. I felt redeemed. Finally, I'd be able to make up for what was lost when Elyana died. I felt so energized, so alive ... BUT.

Test #1 was negative. That's okay ... I rationalized. No biggie. BUT. Tests #2-4 were all negative, too!

I experienced such a surge of overwhelming sadness. No special announcement for me. No baby. No redemption. I grieved and cried for the child that wasn't. For the mother that isn't. I slumped into a funk and alienated myself from everyone.

I know, I know. All my family and friends are probably gasping in horror. How could I be so irresponsible, right? I kinda expect that reaction since my hubby and I lost three babies within a three year timeframe. I've written about Elyana who died in November 05, but our two sons were premature and survived for a time before they died. It's been beyond unbearable, but here I am still wanting to try again.

Does anyone understand this desire that can't be quenched by prayer, by reasoning or by chastisement from others? I think of my favorite "barren" ladies of the Bible ... Rachel, Sarah, Hannah and others. And what about those who had children, but they died? Lot's wife, Bathsheba and that one un-named woman whose child was brought back to life ... these women cried and pleaded with God for their children. I'm no different. This desire to procreate has been placed in me and I drown in sorrow trying to deny nature!

How is it that I survived such tragedy, such emotional death but I still want to do the very thing that has destroyed the simple life I once knew? I can't explain it, but I do draw strength and encouragement from the ladies who have persevered.

Here are their stories. I pray you gather hope from their struggle and triumph ...

Christine is a woman who suffered through seven miscarriages. Family, friends and even strangers told her that the number 7 means finality. Give up. Go home. Be happy with one child. For her, 7 was finality ... it signaled her last pregnancy loss. She went on to deliver two more babies.

Meredith is a woman who had 2 children then suffered 5 late term losses before going on to have 2 more healthy kids.

B.J. Lost babies at 16, 24, 32 and 34 weeks ... she went on to have 2 healthy babies. She didn't give up!

A Ghanaian mother had SIX full-term stillborn babies, but went on to deliver 4 healthy children. The woman's daughter's first baby was also full term and born still ... the daughter is determined to try again, as well.

What is it that makes a woman keep trying despite this crushing pain? Is it merely an unquenchable desire or is it something more? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.


Catherine said...

All there is is family. I want the hopes, dreams, love and life that come with family. I want something to live...from me...forever. I want to be a part of that something that is bigger than just me.

Rian said...

I have to keep telling myself that what I want in the end is worth all the pain and heartache I go through to get it. I just have to keep focused on that baby that Lord willing I will hold in my arms one day. And all the desires and dreams that I already have for that baby.

Anonymous said...

This is the first time I tried something and failed. This wasn't just ANY failure ... an irreplaceable life was on the line. Sometimes I wonder if motherhood is over-rated. What if I obsess over having a baby because I want to make up for what is lost?

Sharee said...

Dear Anonymous,

I'm assuming that before your loss, you wanted this baby for countles reasons ... making up for a "failure" probably wasn't your motivation. Be gentle with yourself, friend. I'm curious about whether motherhood is overrated, too ... If you find out before me, fill me in! I'll do the same for you!