What You HAVE to Learn from these *Barren* Women of the Bible - Part 1 of 4

We can learn soooo much from the "barren" women of the Bible! How they reacted to not having kids, their struggles, and what happened to cause them to finally receive a precious baby! Read on and don't forget to do the study at the end. You'll learn so much more (and hopefully apply those lessons learned) than by just reading my interpretations. This is a classic post from my archives.

The Shunammite Woman
2 Kings 4:8-17

The Shunammite woman is described as a great woman who opened her home to the prophet Elisha. She did not know who he was, but saw him walking through town one day and invited him to eat at the family home. He would visit the area often and each time, she'd invite him to stay with her husband and she. One day she told her husband that she suspected this was a great and holy man of God and that they should take their hospitality a step further. She set up a room with a cot so that Elisha would be more comfortable during his visits.

So let's stop here and think about this great woman's character so far. She is hospitable and warm toward strangers, and she is wise enough to recognize someone who walks with God. She also shows reverence toward those who walk with God.

Because of her character Elisha decided to bless the Shunammite woman. He asked her what she wanted ... did she want him to put in a good word with the king or even the commander of the Army? What could he do to show his appreciation? She modestly answers,"thank you, but what I have is sufficient." Elisha then asks his servant what he could give this kindly woman. The servant says that the woman is married to an old man and the couple have no children.

Elisha then told the woman that at this same time next year, she'll be holding her son. She was shocked and said, "as a man of God PLEASE don't lie to me like that!" But the prophesy was true. Next year she was holding her little man.

So not only was the woman hospitable and wise, she was modest and content with what she had. She reverenced those deserving and she was not a self-seeking person. And when she did something for somebody, she went all out. But the story does not end here.

The child grew older, but one day he was out in the field with his father when he started screaming, "my head, my head!" Perhaps he had heat stroke or an aneurysm - we don't know. All we know is that the child was taken to his mother where he sat on her lap and died in her arms around noon. And what did the woman do?

She immediately laid him on Elisha's cot and hopped on a donkey trotting as fast as it would go to find the man of God. Elisha saw her coming and sent his servant to find out how she and her family were faring. Her response? "It is well." When she got to the prophet she fell at his feet with a bitter and vexed spirit. She pretty much said, "you came to me with this child ... I didn't ask you for him, so why did you give him, make me love him then let him die?" Needless to say Elisha was quick to work a miracle for this family.

Read verses 29 - 36 to find out exactly how Elisha brought the child back to life (it's quite interesting), but when he told the woman to get her son ... she fell at Elisha's feet, bowed to the ground in gratitude, grabbed her child and left with him.

Now think about the following:

• I often hear people say that miracles were only to draw people to God, but this is a situation where a man of God awarded a miracle as a kind of thank you gift. Is it possible that there are holy people today who can authorize miracles? What biblical evidence supports your response? (Do some research, don't just rest on old assumptions!)

• How would you react if someone prophesied that you would have a child despite your medical history? (If someone did prophesy and your baby did not survive, does that mean it's the end of the road for you? Find out what happens in these situations) What does your response say about your ability to believe in the unseen?

• How did you react after your child died? How is it different from the Shunammite woman's example? The woman felt justified in asking the prophet "why" ... but she did not lose faith in his ability to do what was right in his sight. What has your approach been when talking to God? (i.e "My way or the highway" or "let Your will be done. I trust You.")

• Do you think the Shunammite woman's character had anything to do with God opening her womb? How does your character match or contrast those of the Shunammite woman? What areas do you need to develop?

• Thinking about the Shunammite woman's example is there something you can do today to invite a miracle into your life?

I firmly believe that the stories in the Bible provide an example for how we should and shouldn't behave as believers. This woman provides an excellent example of warmth, grace, wisdom, poise and faith. When tragedy hit, she hurt (evidenced by falling at the prophet's feet with a bitter and vexed soul ... previously she only spoke to Elisha through his servant and she maintained a reverent distance from the man of God) and even questioned the fairness of it all. But she did not become ugly and hateful. She did not lose faith. Neither should we.

Feel free to share your thoughts, questions and responses in the comments section.

Hugs!

Hug Your Pain only if you NEED Healing - Part 2

So on a day-to-day basis how do you "embrace" pain?

• For me, I let myself moan, scream, cry, rage, scribble furiously. (Writing had been a CRUCIAL part of my healing process).
• An important part of embracing pain is facing it (see above) but we also need to have a release. I rarely allowed myself to stay stuck in an intense state though. I'd often pray for relief ... and I received it. What soothing things can you do to turn down the intensity? Don't be tempted to say "nothing" because the human body is equipped with the ability to calm itself. Physical activity (cleaning, running, push ups, etc.) and even sleep helped every time. Sometimes I'd be scrubbing the floor on my hands and knees while crying and praying for help. Help for my hurting heart!
• I found that journaling provided a way to really get to the heart of how I was feeling. I used to think the only emotions I had were sad and mad. But really sometimes I felt confused, or lonely, or jealous, or anxious, or *gasp* hopeful, or happy. We can't make the mistake of interpreting a feeling of happiness to mean that we're happy about what happened. Then we stifle the emotion. I think that is a mistake. Smile whenever you can. It fuels hope and builds strength.
• I learned to talk openly about how I was feeling. This wasn't easy because sometimes I'd feel like *everyone* was tired of hearing about it. It was often discouraging to believe that *everyone* was able to move on, but me. My perceptions weren't usually correct. Just because my mom might not have been able to listen one day didn't mean my close friend didn't have a ready ear. Sometimes I'd shut down when ONE person made a comment and then I generalized what they said to everyone else I knew.
• You have to be careful about this next one. Sometimes I didn't feel like doing anything. So I didn't. I would lay around and act helpless. I let my husband take care of everything. Sometimes I just needed to be taken care of. Like I said, you have to be careful with this one ... because activity and purpose breeds vitality, hope, joy, and strength. Helplessness is a rare indulgence because it breeds weakness and depression and can easily become the norm. But soon after a loss, laying around might feel good. Better yet, have your husband lay around with you.

Time doesn't necessarily heal all pain, but the passage of time certainly makes it more bearable. It's how you spend the time that counts.

You've Gotta Hug the Pain to Heal from It - Part 1

Embrace the pain.

Certainly easier said than done. Could it even be healthy to just dive into the hurt, thrash around uncontrollably than swim back from the edge of despair? Whether we go willingly through this process (called grief) or not, the pain awaits. Might as well get in there and search frantically for the "light at the end of the tunnel" rather than get in the tunnel of grief never to be seen or heard from again.

Okay, so we're not talking about warmly embracing pain here. What I really mean to say is take that pain and wrestle it to the ground. Get it under your feet because in the end only one can stand.

In the next post, I'll share what I think this "embrace" looks like in reality.

Stay encouraged,

Sharee

Are your Words Making YOU a Weakling??

I'm a firm believer that there are certain laws that prove true. We're not talking laws enforced by government ... I'm talking about the spiritual laws. And one spiritual law is that WORDS have power. So what you say about yourself, your situation, or other people is either making you strong or weak and ineffective at life. A weakling. Follow me for a minute.

1. God spoke the world into existence.
2. WE are made in God's image. (Whether you are a Christian or not!)
3. We have the power to speak things into existence, as well. (Whether you are a Christian or not!!)

Have you ever noticed that your emotions and thoughts tend to influence the words you say aloud? The words you speak also affect how you feel and what you think. A combination of these impact how you behave. It's a simple cycle that can work for or against you. Check out this example:

You feel a little down in the dumps (an emotion) and tell yourself, this depression won't let me be happy again (a thought), so you stay home (behavior). Your co-worker calls to invite you for brunch, but you tell her, "I feel horrible, so can't go out" (words). You lay on the couch and watch re-runs - alone (behavior).

And this cycle goes on indefinitely! What if you try to consciously stop those thoughts before they affect your behavior?? Sometimes when my mind starts leaning toward the negative, I will snap myself back on track by doing the following.

1. Shout "NO!" when negative thoughts start getting in the way.
2. Sing uplifting songs to drown out the unwanted thoughts.
3. Get busy doing something productive (cleaning, reorganizing, studying)
4. Relax my mind with a leisure activity that I enjoy.
5. Exercise (plus you get a dose of those endorphins that make your mind happy!)

I also make it a daily practice to remind myself that just because I "feel" a certain way doesn't mean I have to give in to it. I can CHANGE MY MIND by replacing a negative with a positive thought (i.e. "I can't" become "YES, I can!! ... or "I'll try!"). I'm not bound by the things that pop into my head. If I feel down, I say "so what??" I'm going to do my best to be a blessing to somebody anyway! Everyday, I'm determined to have a good day.

Try it! It can literally change every area of your life. It has for me.

Hugs,

Sharee

What if Your Pain is Actually A Blessing (in Disguise)??

Everytime I hear this song, the lyrics bring tears to my eyes. Especially the part I highlighted below. Stay encouraged friends ... there IS a greater plan.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguiseWe pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

"Blessings" by Laura Story ... check out the YouTube video linked here.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day happens to fall on the anniversary of my second son Kasimir's birth. He was born May 13, 2003 and died the next day. I think about his short life and a terrible ache clenches my heart. Although the scars tragedy leaves behind are reminders of my struggle, death hasn't beaten me. Death has stolen my angel - three of my angels, but it (death) hasn't bound me with unforgiveness or, it's close cousin, bitterness. I'm not clothed in anger or fear. I refuse to drown in guilt or remain paralyzed by pain.

Instead, I hold the memories of my precious children close as I rise above the ashes. I can't change what has happened, but with each day I have looked for ways to replace the sorrow with joy. And to reclaim life more abundantly.

I encourage you to do the same. As we well know, life is fleeting. Make the most of the days until our blessed reunion with our little ones.

Hugs,

Sharee

"Merry" Christmas?

I used to cling so thoroughly to the words encouraging people to "cry with those who cry" ... I felt like I'd been run over with a garden tiller, so I wanted my team of mourners at my beck and call. Okay, probably not literally, but I certainly did not want to feel alone in my sadness.

Thankfully, my eyes have been opened to the second part of that scripture. We are also encouraged to "laugh with those who laugh" ... There are no double standards with God, huh?

I guess the question becomes, how is it fair for us to condemn those who are merry although we hurt, but we do not feel inspired to share others' happiness because we are in pain? Are there not two sides to every coin?

I think it requires a bit of selflessness to experience with others one side of the coin when you live on the other side. Since I'm full of thoughts right now, I'll share another. I also think we as hurting parents experience a sense of entitlement because of the enormity of our loss. Our loss is so huge that we expect to be excused from others' merry-making.  I'm not so sure that God excuses us though. We're still His ambassadors of Light and shine we must! I encourage you to, bit by bit, fight against the desire to hibernate during a joyous time of year.

After all, the JOY of the Lord is our strength (Neh. 8:10)!

My Husband's Loving Response

Baby, I hear your needs and I will be that shoulder that you can cry on... I will manage that which you find impossible to do. Just for today. Never will you be left without a shoulder to cry on... You will never be left to struggle through those impossible days, situations or experiences for I will always be by your side... Things that we have experienced could have destroyed us but they have made us stronger and enriched our love and desire to enjoy life.

I have learned the enjoyment of life in it simplest forms, not worrying about those things beyond our controls, not searching for material goods that vanishes in the night. I have no desire to be consumed by the lure of earthly struggle to obtain material goods beyond what is necessary for our comfortable lives. Life is not about what one can obtain it’s about how well we have ministered to those whom we have come in contact with...

There is no great assignment in this life than the one we have to care for our three earthly Angels with the assurances of knowing that we will behold our Elyana, Christopher and My Kasimir. What a glorious reunion it will be... I have my confirmation for when I asked God to allow Christopher, my first born, to open his eyes before he passed away. My prayer was answered by him opening his eyes. I wanted that prayer answered as much as I was searching for a miracle because I needed to know that God was still God. That he had NOT FORGOTTEN. MY WORDS OF WISDOM BECAME GREAT IS THOU FAITHFULNESS… I wanted those eyes open so that once I got to heaven if I did not recognize Christopher he would recognize his mother and father. God answered that pray with Christopher opening his eyes and we were at peace and we were able to release him from our arms into his heavenly father arms for nurturing until mommy and daddy gets to heaven to check on him.

Baby walk with me as I walk with God… Henry

The Heart Never Forgets

Sigh. I sit here with heart heavy and head dropped low. Unwillingly, I think of my oldest daughter today. She's the one in Heaven. I have another little girl taking a nap upstairs, each soft breath is like a sweet note of reassurance ... but still thoughts of my living, breathing daughter only dull the sting of sadness I feel for my little Elyana. This heaviness doesn't rest on my shoulders often, but on and around each anniversary date the very cells running through each vein seem to groan their sorrow. If I could step outside of my body and look at myself, I wonder if I could detect the enormity of our loss just by observing the set of my head or in the distracted way in which I wander through the day. Probably not. This is why deep sadness can feel so lonely!

I wonder if this aloneness, the feelings of injustice are why many hurting parents feel the loss of a child is life's greatest tragedy? ... for even when I am not consciously reflecting on my stolen angels, the heart never forgets. I want to lay my head on a strong shoulder and snuggle under the blankets while someone else takes care of my responsibilities. Just for today.

But I won't.

I'll pick myself up and soldier on because even in my weakness, with heart laid low, God's strength carries me forward. He is truly The Lifter of My Head. And heart.

Healing From Ectopic Pregnancy

(Article retrieved from the Natural Fertility Info website - http://natural-fertility-info.com/ectopic-pregnancy.html) -- See the full article to view videos I couldn't attach here. Videos were about ectopic pregnancy, fertility massage, and how to use a castor oil pack -- I do not necessarily endorse anything included in the complete article, but found what I listed here to be very informative. ~Sharee~
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Healing From Ectopic Pregnancy
by Dalene Barton, CH, Doula

Have you suffered a pregnancy loss due to ectopic pregnancy? If so, you are not alone, 2% of all pregnancies are ectopic. Women who have experienced ectopic pregnancy often suffer from tissue damage; this may lead to infertility, and a 7-15% chance recurrence due to scarring and adhesion in the fallopian tubes. Not only is ectopic pregnancy damaging to the tissues, it can be emotionally scarring as well.

Ectopic pregnancy can be very physically painful, scary, and in some women may lead to hemorrhage that may result in death. All of this may create fear for future pregnancy. Ectopic pregnancy is not something to be taken lightly. Often times women are very excited to be pregnant, only to find out that they have an ectopic pregnancy and that this pregnancy is not viable; this can be a devastating loss.

If you are one of those women who have suffered damage, physically or emotionally from ectopic pregnancy, this article is for you! I will share with you ways to heal your body physically and emotionally from ectopic pregnancy. But before we begin all of that I believe it is important to share with you factors that may put you at risk for ectopic pregnancy, so that we can learn ways to prevent ectopic pregnancy.

Causes and Possible Prevention of Ectopic Pregnancy

Sexually Transmitted Disease
Sexually transmitted disease, especially Chlamydia and Gonorrhea can lead to Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID). If left untreated this may cause scar tissue, adhesion and chronic inflammation in the fallopian tubes and uterus. Use protection such as condoms during sexual intercourse, especially with new partners to help prevent STD’s.

Tubal Sterilization Reversal
This is a common birth control method for women who thought they were done having children. More and more women are deciding otherwise and having tubal reversal procedures. Because the fallopian tubes were cut and cauterized initially, then snipped again and sewn back together, this may cause scar tissue, which may narrow or block the tubes. Any type of tubal sterilization poses a risk for ectopic pregnancy, even if you do not want children and have not had a tubal reversal. Of all the unsuccessful tubal ligation procedures that resulted in pregnancy, about 50% resulted in ectopic pregnancy.

Cesarean Section
Subsequent pregnancies are at risk for ectopic pregnancy following a C-section. This is due to increased risk of scar tissue formation around the reproductive organs which may damage the fallopian tubes.

Surgery to Open Blocked Fallopian Tubes
Women who have already been diagnosed with blocked fallopian tubes may have surgical procedures to re-open them; but this procedure may cause more damage, which may lead to more scarring and adhesion.

Low Progesterone
A study done by Dr. Buckley shows that the patients that had an ectopic pregnancy had progesterone levels below 22ng/ml. Of all the patients who’s progesterone level was below 22 ng/ml, 10% had an ectopic pregnancy BUT none of the patients with progesterone levels above 22 had an ectopic. Progesterone cream may be something to look into to make sure your progesterone levels are at the right levels.

Smoking
Smoking cigarettes has been linked to 5 times greater risk for ectopic pregnancy. Holy Smokes! Nicotine stimulates the fallopian tubes to contract. In some women it has been shown to cause the fallopian tubes to spasm, the walls of the fallopian to temporarily stick together, preventing the embryo from passing through for implantation in the uterus.

Fertility Medications
Fertility medications including chlomiphene citrate, pergonal and progestin (common in hormonal birth control) put a woman at risk for ectopic pregnancy, by altering the ability of the fallopian tube to contract and move the fertilized egg properly to the uterus. If you become pregnant while on one of these medications, talk to your doctor right away to rule out ectopic pregnancy.

What Happens During an Ectopic Pregnancy?

The most common place for an ectopic pregnancy to occur is inside of the fallopian tubes. Some ectopic pregnancies may occur in the abdominal cavity, cervix or ovary; this is very rare. In all cases the fetus begins to grow where it should not be.

Normally during conception the embryo, in the form of rapidly dividing cells moves from the fallopian tubes down to the uterus for implantation. Because the most common place for this to occur is the fallopian tubes, I will concentrate on that type of ectopic pregnancy. 95% of all ectopic pregnancies happen in the fallopian tubes. 50% of all ectopic pregnancies in the fallopian tube are caused by damage to the fallopian tubes; the other 50% the cause is unknown.

The embryo begins to grow and form in the fallopian tube. This puts extreme pressure on the fallopian tube. This may cause discomfort to extreme pain. Some women may not even know they have this type of pregnancy until they experience pain or it is discovered by ultrasound.

If you are pregnant and feel slight lower abdominal pain on one side or have some blood loss (spotting), and this is not normal for you, seek medical attention to rule out ectopic pregnancy. If this type of pregnancy is left undiagnosed it may lead to the fallopian tube rupturing, this is extremely dangerous as it can cause hemorrhage and death.

Often when this happens the ovary is damaged as well, and both the fallopian tube and ovary are removed surgically. The pain from fallopian tube rupture can be so extreme a woman may vomit or pass out. If you feel you are experiencing ectopic pregnancy, or rupture of the fallopian tube, seek emergency medical care right away.

If the ectopic pregnancy is diagnosed right away, doctors can treat it with the chemotherapy drug called Methotrexate. This medication dissolves the embryo and your body reabsorbs it. If you have used this medication for an ectopic pregnancy, you may seriously want to consider doing a Fertility Cleanse. The Fertility Cleanse may help clear the body of the medication prior to trying to conceive again.

Even if the fallopian tube has not ruptured, the embryo may be further along and will require surgical removal to prevent rupture. The stretching of the fallopian tube alone can create severe damage to the fallopian tube. Your doctor may determine this during surgery.

Healing Scar Tissue and Adhesion While Reducing Inflammation

Whether you are wanting to prevent an ectopic pregnancy, heal blocked fallopian tubes, or heal from a past or recent ectopic pregnancy, you will want to plan ahead to allow for proper healing to take place.

If you recently had an ectopic pregnancy, give your body 2 weeks before beginning any of these therapies or herbs. Listen to your body. If you are still tender physically from surgery or damage, give your body more time to heal on its own. Beginning Self Fertility Massage may take more time before beginning. In the mean time you can begin counseling or energy body work like Reiki or acupuncture to begin healing right away.

Fertility Enzyme Therapy

This is one of the most effective ways to reduce and remove scar tissue and adhesion, while reducing inflammation and increasing healthy circulation. Specific enzymes in this therapy eat way scar tissue (fibrin) over time, aiding the body in preventing excessive scar tissue build-up, while removing old scar tissue and adhesion. When there has been damage to the reproductive organs or surrounding tissues, chronic inflammation may be present as your body works to heal. Fertility Enzyme Therapy may help reduce inflammation, while aiding the body in healthy inflammation response. (See complete article for their recommendations for products -- link is at beginning of article)
Castor Oil Packs

Castor Oil packs promote healing to the reproductive system, by stimulating circulation and triggering the lymphatic system. The lymphatic system is responsible for removing metabolic waste, old diseased cells and tissues. This is very important, especially if your ectopic pregnancy may have been caused by Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD), infection from past surgery, endometriosis, uterine fibroids, ovarian cysts or PID.

Castor oil is one of the only ways to stimulate the lymphatic system to move. The lymphatic system relies on us to get it to move. The heart runs our circulatory system, but exercise, dry brushing, some herbs and Castor Oil are some of the only ways to get the lymph to move. Castor Oil Packs heal underlying tissues very well, when used consistently over time. We recommend using this type of therapy at least 2-3 times a week. It works great in conjunction with Self Fertility Massage.

Healing Emotionally from Ectopic Pregnancy

Many women find it hard to move forward with trying to conceive after ectopic pregnancy. The statistics for recurrent ectopic pregnancy may compound this. If you have suffered an ectopic pregnancy, I am sure somewhere in the back of your mind you are asking, “Will this happen again?” Fear can create anxiety when trying to conceive and with subsequent pregnancies. How can you face those fears, and move forward? Fear alone can make getting pregnant again difficult. Work toward letting go of resentment, anger or shame surrounding your circumstances, in regard to your ectopic pregnancy. We are more than our physical bodies, treating yourself holistically is going to greatly improve your chances of healing, so you can move toward a successful, healthy pregnancy.

-Seek counseling

-Actively engage your body in healing therapies

-Join an ectopic pregnancy support group or forum

-Journal about your journey

-Acknowledge your loss, take time to mourn, allow yourself space to process the experience

-Pray

-Consciously thank your body for all that is does everyday.

-Believe in your body’s capacity to heal itself.

-Get body work done or do body work on yourself: Reiki, Maya abdominal massage or Self Fertility Massage™ or acupuncture.

-Meditate or visualize a healthy pregnancy happening for you as your body is healing.

-Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)

EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) is similar to acupuncture. In this technique, various energy points in the body are unlocked by gentle tapping. The theory behind this technique is that all negative emotions are caused by a disruption in the body’s energy system. Either a practitioner can perform the tapping or the patient can be taught to perform the tapping alone. This technique is wonderful because it addresses both fertility and stress reduction at the same time. EFT has no known negative side effects, the reported success rates for resolving both emotional and physical issues is amazingly high with improvement for up to 95% of people.

I believe in the capacity of my body to heal itself.

I love myself unconditionally!

References


1. http://ehealthmd.com/library/ectopicpreg/EP_causes.html

2. Northrup, Christiane, M.D. Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom; Bantam Books, 2010

3. Serum progesterone testing to predict ectopic pregnancy in symptomatic first-trimester patients. Ann Emerg Med 2000 Aug;36(2):95-100

How a Little Known Therapy Changed My Life

When I found out I was pregnant in Novemeber 2010, I was shocked by my reaction. I was so stunned it was as if I had been slapped. I felt tremendous guilt because I never imagined I could have the feelings I had after all the losses we had endured. How could I not be happy and grateful for this blessing? What was wrong with me? As I dug deeper, I discovered that there still lingered fear. Memories rarely die, and my heart, mind, soul, and body could remember all I had endured during each pregnancy. I was not physically, mentally, or spiritually ready to endure all that again. I broke all my own rules and allowed worry to consume me to the point where I fell into a depressed state. I had studied a therapy we'll call EMDR for short. (It actually stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). Another therapist shared that he had learned about the therapy after his own son had died and it worked for him, soooooo I searched for and found a certified practitioner in my area.

My therapy experience

To my utter amazement, after the first session of actual reprocessing, I felt good about being pregnant. By the end of the second session I felt I could handle any drama with confidence. By the third session, I was dealing with life experiences that I had no idea were even linked to my reactions to the loss of our three children!  By the fourth session, I was feeling light, bubbly and EXCITED about being pregnant. I felt positive and didn't feel the need to simply "go along" with every suggestion the doctor made. I felt confident in my body's ability to handle this pregnancy. I began to even do pregnancy yoga and consider my options for a natural birth over having a repeat c-section. By the sixth session all anxiety, apprehension and negative emotions completely went away! And I wasn't dreaming!

What has made life even better is that I can see the difference in other areas of my life. It's like the therapy has helped me see perspectives I was completely oblivious to before. For example, situations or comments that used to bother me, don't bother me anymore. I'm not as sensitive about things (which is GREAT when you are married or have a significant other!) and I feel like a physical burden has been lifted from my shoulders.

The thing I love about EMDR is that it wasn't some weird hypnosis or anything like that. Research has shown that back and forth eye movements (think REM sleep) somehow help our brains switch between the emotional center (limbic system) to the more logical center (neo-cortex). So when we experience trauma or something disturbing our brain automatically taps into the emotional databank, which gets the common fight-or-flight reaction going. Sometimes the memory gets trapped there, so the mind and body never heal properly. EMDR helps the brain take that memory and deposit it into the logical databank, which allows us to finally heal. I was in complete control and thank GOD I did not have to re-tell all the painful details that brought me to the session because EMDR isn't what we call "talk therapy".

I pulled up a mental image, tapped into some negative and positive beliefs I had tied to that image than did the eye movements. It was like I was watching the scenary go by and when the "train" stopped, the image didn't bother me anymore and the negative belief system was gone, too! Each session lasted an hour and although the scenery went by, there were moments when I cried my heart out or felt upset, but it only lasted for one or two minutes. After many sessions I felt completely exhausted and sometimes would have dreams that gave me further clarity about the topic we had worked on.

The most interesting thing about EMDR has been experiencing first hand that painful memories don't just get trapped in your head. They get trapped in your body, too. So when I talk about a weight being lifted off of me, it turns out it was not some figment of my imagination.

Please share your questions ... I'll do the best I can to answer all! Have any of you experienced EMDR or any other therapy? What was your experience?

Here's How I Know that You Don't Know God

I admit it. I don't know. I don't know the answers to the "why" questions. There is only one thing of which I am certain. I could not have survived (and yes, thrived) without God. It is becoming so common to just leave Him out of the discussion, but this is a post where I have to get real.

I read your posts when you rail against God and the injustices "He has commited against you". I even get it, because I've been there ... I've done the same thing. I read your posts where it is only the anger that gets you through each day. I read your posts when you search for meaning, and the posts where you meditate on the ugliness others have so carelessly tossed your way. I cry when you write about your pain, your emptiness, your sorrow. I hurt when I think of your little boys and girls who left this world before gray hairs could grace their heads.

It is healthy and normal to dedicate a season for our grief. To mourn fully, flat on our faces, with all we've got left. But no, we are not created to carry the weight of our grief with us the rest of our days. Those who try doing this anyway live dark, empty lives where her companions are bitterness, sadness, and fear rather than joy and gladness. This is a life that leads to more loneliness, depression, medication, and it's a downward spiral from there. I do not argue that we stop feeling sad about what happened ... I argue that we were never intended to carry the weight of sadness with us hourly - for life.

When we talk about letting go of the pain's intensity, many misunderstand and think I mean they should forget or "get over" their baby. I would never suggest such foolishness. I admonish you to stop the cycle of blame. God has not taken your baby. No, He literally records your every tear ... He is the Lifter of your head ... He is the Healer of your soul. But, these things won't just happen on their own. You are required to take action. Reach for Him and He will reach back! 

Try it. When you feel like you have lost everything, what else have you got to lose?

Hope for Incompetent Cervix

Sometimes it is quite difficult to grab ahold of hope that you can have that rainbow baby despite seemingly insurmountable odds. When I had three back-to-back late-term losses, I only knew of one person who had suffered through something similar. Now I know two people. Finding and learning from those who have experienced such tremendous grief was greatly encouraging for me. I pray that you too will find encouragment if you have an incompetent cervix and have not found the answers you seek. Here's one woman's story.

Samone had written her story in my book Stolen Angels, but when the book went to print she had lost one precious baby. I like to stay in touch with the writers, and when I learned that this dear woman had lost a second daughter at around the same gestation and in the same way as her first loss, my heart cried out for her! Recently she contacted me, and had this amazing news to share:

"Hi Sharee. Please share my MIRACLE! I would like for women to know that if they have lost a baby (or babies) due to incompetent cervix, there is HOPE. I believe that the Lord placed me here in _____________  for a reason, although I don't like it here. Had it not been for my being placed here and coming across an obstetrician who looked at my history, LISTENED to me and referred me to me to a perinatologist, I probably would not have had my miracle baby. If anyone should contact you, wanting to know about the transabdominal cerclage, please let me know!"

Samone has welcomed a little boy into her family in March 2011 and is available to tell of her experiences with the abdominal cerclage ... just shoot me an email and I'll forward to her. I'm on yahoo ... momax3angels. You can also read the first part of her journey in Stolen Angels beginning on page 133.

Back on!

I can't believe I haven't posted since the beginning of November! I must admit that I have been pretty bummed out since that time. I've always been a huge voice (in my mind anyway!) for not letting grief rule, but folks, I must admit that there are some things the mind - the heart - cannot forget!

November 18, 2005 my little girl was born still. Since that horrific time I had gone on to publish a book, facilitate a support group, do guest speaking events, sit on panels, volunteer at the hospital - and more. Nope not an opportunity to brag, but just trying to say that I earnestly believed I was done hurting and had moved forward to accept what had happened especially since so many lives were changed in a positive way. (I also  had two infant losses in 2002 and 2003).

But wow. November 2010 brought with it a deep sadness that had me crying all the time, sad, unmotivated ... I hate to give it a name, but seriously, I was depressed! Later in the month I found out I was unexpectedly expecting. Yes. Unexpectedly expecting! Instead of the joy I would expect (especially after YEARS of baby craving) I was devastated. I was scared. I just couldn't fathom how I would endure the needles, the contractions, the cerclage, the months of uncertainty, the lifestyle change, the c-section ... all so soon. I wanted another baby, but think I was leaning more toward adoption, but here I was - pregnant. And guilty. I felt deep shame. I wondered how could I be so ungrateful?? This was a blessing and here I was crying into my pillow every chance I could get.

Today is a new day. The depression fog has lifted and I'm back on. I am really really really looking forward to sharing words of encouragement again! I missed you!

Hugs!

More Teachable Moments

This is the obituary of a young women who lived her entire - almost 26 year old life - struggling to breathe. It would be hard to disagree that no one could blame her if she chose to take what was left of her life and live it  out as a bitter person full of "what if's" and stories of her pain. She did not. I've copied her obituary below ... now Google her name -Eva Dien Markvoort - and get inspired! She recorded her last days in a YouTube video. I encourage you to watch it and learn something valuable. Tragedy has hit your family, but as long as you have breath (even painful breath) you can LIVE!

Eva's Obituary

Eva Dien Brine Markvoort … what a life! She lived passionately, with purpose, and died on Saturday, March 27, 2010. She left a legacy of love and made a difference in the lives of thousands of people both in her personal life and in her online community. Eva’s life, almost 26 years long, was defined by her challenges related to cystic fibrosis. She knew how to live for the moment and her magnetic personality drew people in at every turn. Eva took nothing for granted and she had no time for complainers. Her life was full of vibrant moments and she appreciated all the beautiful aspects of her surroundings, constantly adjusting to the limitations presented by her health. Eva filled every room she entered, she engaged herself in the present and she learned to turn the most challenging situations into positive experiences. She was a force! Eva has enriched the lives of her parents, Janet Brine and Bill Markvoort, her siblings Annie and Hunter, her loving extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins, and her dearest core ‘team’. Eva's family expresses their gratitude for the tremendous support provided by friends, family, neighbours, colleagues, the medical team, and Eva's online community.


Eva's blog chronicled her life: http://65redroses.livejournal.com/2010/04/07/

Fleeting and Fragile

Most disturbing experience today.

I tried to rescue this beautiful bird who had been wounded tonight. It looked like a small duck and huddled against the white line. Okay, I'll be honest, when I first drove by it looked like a squirrel that was severely injured and so I looped around intending to *help* it out of its misery. I wouldn't have been able to sleep knowing I had left it to die a slow death in the road on a cold Halloween night. As I looped around, I saw it was actually a beautiful bird ... It was adorable and duck-like, so I decided to rescue it. I parked, climbed a small embankment and walked right up to the little guy when a truck veered and ran over its head. I saw the little life practically jump out of its body and it was just horrible. I couldn't believe that I was so close to helping it and now it was dead. I got back in the car and just trembled with grief and regret and anger. I was angry at the truck driver, I was angry at myself for failing, I was angry because I felt so sad over this little life and no one would understand. They'd say, "It was just a bird" or "that truck driver put it out of its misery" or "it probably would have died anyway."  They would have been missing the point!

I don't know how this triggered memories of my children, but I was reminded of my failure to rescue them, too,  and I just broke down. As I cried for the bird, I cried for my children. My son kept asking what was wrong, but I couldn't snap out of it ... I told him what happened to the bird and he just said, "I'll help you mommy. I'll give you a hug. You'll be okay because I'll help you mommy. When we get home, I'm going to hug you and be with you ..." I simply said, "okay".  And that's just what he did.

I took some life lessons out of this experience.

1. Life is fragile and fleeting. Sometimes even our best efforts won't restrain death when it's time for the spirit to leave the body. We can't take life back once its gone and maybe that's what hurts the most ... that it's so completely out of our hands. The flip side of that thought is we have to get to a place where we can admit that wielding the power of life and death is God's responsibility. It's too weighty a sword to bear. Even through the hurt we can be comforted because He knows the beginning and the end and if we hang with Him, we'll get answers AND a happy reunion with our little ones.

2. Hearing a word of encouragement from someone who loves us is indispensable. When we're sad and a loved one tries to throw us a rope, we can choose NOT to get offended because they want us to feel better. We need to reach out, grab that rope and hang on for dear life. Or else, drown in our sorrows.

3. I am all for being positive and looking forward, but that does not mean I ever mean to suggest we should not feel sad. Sadness is a part of life. But so is happiness. In life, if you're human, you'll experience both. It is better to have a happy life with spurts of sadness, than to have a sad life with spurts of happiness.

As always, share your thoughts!

Hugs!

FREE download of Stolen Angels - this week only!

For Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month, I'm offering a free download of my book Stolen Angels; 25 Stories of Hope after Pregnancy or Infant Loss. Simply fill out the form found here, and type "free download" in the comment box. Emails sent within 24 hours.

 Offer ends 11:59 p.m., Oct., 31, 2010.

No one should experience life's greatest tragedy, but if they do, they should never think they are alone. There is hope and healing after a baby leaves this world too soon.

Hugs!

Complaints

On my Facebook page, I made a post that seems to go completely against what the baby lost community is all about. Before I go *there* let me share 2 cents about me and what gave me the nerve (lol) to crash that party. First, I'm the mother of 3 stolen angels - Christopher (part I and II, Kasimir, and Elyana. I've been a bereavement counselor for 4 years, facilitate a parents grief support group for an Army base also for 4 years, am a member of the bereavement support committee at an Army hospital, authored the book, Stolen Angels: 25 stories of Hope, am on the board of directors of the Aneysha Foundation for Fibroids and I'll graduate as a marital and family therapist in June. That was a mouthful!! I've talked to many, many, many parents and have discovered a few things. If you're willing - and this sounds crazy, but - close your heart and open your mind, I think you'll discover something exciting!

Hurting parents - moms in particular - just want someone to understand her story. We just want someone to really *get* our day-to-day experience without judging or trying to change us. We just want to be around others who can appreciate just how deep this loss feels. We feel lonely and misunderstood because oftentimes family and friends and -let's be real - society in general - acts like this is not a big deal. So, yes, we need each other. But in our search for validation and understanding, be careful of the voices you allow in. Words have power. The words you listen to and the words you speak guide your future. I can't stress that enough. Here's an example that I think (hope) makes my point more clear.


Let's say you are training for a marathon, so you recruit a few buddies to train for the big event with you. The purpose of such training groups are to motivate each other to go faster, further, and essentially stay in the race. The idea is that each others' attitudes are contagious. When one feels weak, the others say, "come on - we're going to make it!" They holler, "Just one more mile, keep moving your feet!"


Now what if your group of training partners spill words like, "this is too hard," "I can't make it," "I hurt too much to go on" ... or what if they spend your training time constantly talking about how rough this marathon training has been/will be. Will you finish strong surrounded by a group like this? Now, leave your heart at the end of this sentence. Don't try to "feel" your way through that question. Use your logic. Will you finish STRONG surrounded by a group like this?

Probably not.

Now, CAN you still finish ...? I'd say yes, but you certainly will face additional challenges along the way. I mean! This is the race of your life! We're talking miles and miles and miles - often low crawling - over hot coals and broken glass! Do we really need *additional challenges*!??


Okay. Let's get to it. Here's the bottom line, in-your-face-honest-to-goodness-truth: It is derniddally (yes a word I made up!) near impossible to find joy and healing if your support network is a group of sad people who also complain a lot. Do not interpret this to mean that the injustice of losing a baby isn't real, incredibly intense and life changing. Do not interpret this to mean that there is such thing as "getting over it" or that your complaints are not valid. They are.

In another post, I'll share further about things we should NOT say or dare listen to!

Until then,

Hugs!

Depression

There's a difference between clinical depression and the intense sadness you get after your baby is gone. Medical professionals often try to medicate a mom who is experiencing sadness just 6 months later. Being sad for a year is normal! Parents (sadly) have to stare grief in the face and work through the whirl of intense emotions that go along with it. I'll tell ya what. Unless a mom is willing to stay on anti-depressants forever, that grief is going to be waiting once the last artificial hormone leaves her body.

My advice to you

• Survive the tough days, weeks, and months ahead by setting aside time each day to grieve. Let yourself really feel the hurt and channel it through exercise, writing, prayer, shouting - whatever provides a release.
• Cast off anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness. These are black reactions that block healing and hinder your prayers.
• Search out any happy or hope-filled thought and cling to it. Thoughts about your tragedy do invade many peaceful moments ... it is hard to quell those longings to hold your precious baby in your arms, but it's also true that meditating on these painful thoughts does not make you feel well. If it is indeed wellness you seek, heed my advice, friend!
• Find at least one person who has walked a mile in your shoes and who has learned to live a full and joy-filled life (ahem ... my contact info is printed on this blog ... but there are others!)
• Find a purpose for living that is larger than your immediate family. There is a hurting world outside of your four walls, step out there, look around and help a person or group in need. You'll be amazed at how deeply your broken heart will be affected - for the better!
• Write. Write every fear, emotion, and reaction. Write about everything or nothing. Here's a previous post about how writing and words  heal.
• Check out my YouTube video on the signs and symptoms  of depression.

As a side note, here's an article I found today that talks about some surprising signs that often go unnoticed.

Hugs!

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Mark your calendars ... it is that time of year again. Please join parents of stolen angels from all over the globe as we acknowledge our children who were gone too soon.  I've been busy planning a remembrance ceremony for this area. We've reserved a local chapel, lined up a guest speaker, and contacted the media ... programs are printed, food is ordered and this event is a wonderful way for parents to publicly remember their precious babies and connect with other parents at the same time.

Check this listing to find a ceremony in your area or use this guide to plan your own!  If you're stuck home that day, please light a candle and say a prayer for those who have loved and lost an *angel* ...

Hugs!