Here's How I Know that You Don't Know God

I admit it. I don't know. I don't know the answers to the "why" questions. There is only one thing of which I am certain. I could not have survived (and yes, thrived) without God. It is becoming so common to just leave Him out of the discussion, but this is a post where I have to get real.

I read your posts when you rail against God and the injustices "He has commited against you". I even get it, because I've been there ... I've done the same thing. I read your posts where it is only the anger that gets you through each day. I read your posts when you search for meaning, and the posts where you meditate on the ugliness others have so carelessly tossed your way. I cry when you write about your pain, your emptiness, your sorrow. I hurt when I think of your little boys and girls who left this world before gray hairs could grace their heads.

It is healthy and normal to dedicate a season for our grief. To mourn fully, flat on our faces, with all we've got left. But no, we are not created to carry the weight of our grief with us the rest of our days. Those who try doing this anyway live dark, empty lives where her companions are bitterness, sadness, and fear rather than joy and gladness. This is a life that leads to more loneliness, depression, medication, and it's a downward spiral from there. I do not argue that we stop feeling sad about what happened ... I argue that we were never intended to carry the weight of sadness with us hourly - for life.

When we talk about letting go of the pain's intensity, many misunderstand and think I mean they should forget or "get over" their baby. I would never suggest such foolishness. I admonish you to stop the cycle of blame. God has not taken your baby. No, He literally records your every tear ... He is the Lifter of your head ... He is the Healer of your soul. But, these things won't just happen on their own. You are required to take action. Reach for Him and He will reach back! 

Try it. When you feel like you have lost everything, what else have you got to lose?

Hope for Incompetent Cervix

Sometimes it is quite difficult to grab ahold of hope that you can have that rainbow baby despite seemingly insurmountable odds. When I had three back-to-back late-term losses, I only knew of one person who had suffered through something similar. Now I know two people. Finding and learning from those who have experienced such tremendous grief was greatly encouraging for me. I pray that you too will find encouragment if you have an incompetent cervix and have not found the answers you seek. Here's one woman's story.

Samone had written her story in my book Stolen Angels, but when the book went to print she had lost one precious baby. I like to stay in touch with the writers, and when I learned that this dear woman had lost a second daughter at around the same gestation and in the same way as her first loss, my heart cried out for her! Recently she contacted me, and had this amazing news to share:

"Hi Sharee. Please share my MIRACLE! I would like for women to know that if they have lost a baby (or babies) due to incompetent cervix, there is HOPE. I believe that the Lord placed me here in _____________  for a reason, although I don't like it here. Had it not been for my being placed here and coming across an obstetrician who looked at my history, LISTENED to me and referred me to me to a perinatologist, I probably would not have had my miracle baby. If anyone should contact you, wanting to know about the transabdominal cerclage, please let me know!"

Samone has welcomed a little boy into her family in March 2011 and is available to tell of her experiences with the abdominal cerclage ... just shoot me an email and I'll forward to her. I'm on yahoo ... momax3angels. You can also read the first part of her journey in Stolen Angels beginning on page 133.

Back on!

I can't believe I haven't posted since the beginning of November! I must admit that I have been pretty bummed out since that time. I've always been a huge voice (in my mind anyway!) for not letting grief rule, but folks, I must admit that there are some things the mind - the heart - cannot forget!

November 18, 2005 my little girl was born still. Since that horrific time I had gone on to publish a book, facilitate a support group, do guest speaking events, sit on panels, volunteer at the hospital - and more. Nope not an opportunity to brag, but just trying to say that I earnestly believed I was done hurting and had moved forward to accept what had happened especially since so many lives were changed in a positive way. (I also  had two infant losses in 2002 and 2003).

But wow. November 2010 brought with it a deep sadness that had me crying all the time, sad, unmotivated ... I hate to give it a name, but seriously, I was depressed! Later in the month I found out I was unexpectedly expecting. Yes. Unexpectedly expecting! Instead of the joy I would expect (especially after YEARS of baby craving) I was devastated. I was scared. I just couldn't fathom how I would endure the needles, the contractions, the cerclage, the months of uncertainty, the lifestyle change, the c-section ... all so soon. I wanted another baby, but think I was leaning more toward adoption, but here I was - pregnant. And guilty. I felt deep shame. I wondered how could I be so ungrateful?? This was a blessing and here I was crying into my pillow every chance I could get.

Today is a new day. The depression fog has lifted and I'm back on. I am really really really looking forward to sharing words of encouragement again! I missed you!

Hugs!